Time has moved on and so has everyone. I am living the life I was always meant to and looking back, I have no regrets. My old blog provided comfort during times of confusion. But things have changed and I felt strange. The blog was lovely, happy pictures,words that were oozing with cheerfulness. The archives were riddled with happy posts that made me feel a little uncomfortable. Again, not because of regret or remorse but more because of my dishonesty about the way I felt. I have always tried to be optimistic on the outside. On the inside, I always had that burning feeling that somehow things weren't going too well. Most times all of us try to fit in, try to accomodate and make things work. We were raised that way. We were taught to be good people who did good things. And so every morning we pull ourselves and try to push our selfish needs behind because we have families and friends who count on us to be ourselves, and in turn help them be themselves. Running away crosses your mind now and then but then you push that away because that image of everyone you love reminds you to get out of bed and brush your teeth instead. "Hungry?" the blog was just the outlet for all the pent up frustration. It was there to let everyone know I was doing okay. That life was pulling me together and the images and memories of people I care for were making sure I got out of bed every day.
Now I want to start afresh. I am still trying to be as positive as I can be. I will still bake when I am stressed, and when I am not. My new style of painting has made me realise that my subconscious has embraced my new life, and this is making exciting things happen to me. I am learning to love who I am. Trying not to live under blankets of insecurities. I am not perfect. No one really is. I am not happy all the time, I no longer try to please others by pretending to be. I am real. There is no longer a facade. There are no actors, smokes or mirrors. I am not sorry for the things I have done. I am happy I changed my life. I may make mistakes but I will never be lost. I still have scars but I am no longer scared. For I am as bold as love. The colours speak for themselves and everyday they help me express how my heart has grown. I now walk with my head held high.
And the song that gave meaning to this blog;
Bold as Love- Jimi Hendrix
Anger he smiles tow'ring shiny metallic purple armour.
Queen jealousy, envy waits behind him.
Her fiery green gown sneers at the grassy ground.
Blue are the life giving waters taking for granted,
They quietly understand.
Once happy turquoise armies lay opposite ready,
But wonder why the fight is on.
But they're all, bold as love.
Yeah, they're all bold as love.
Yeah, they're all bold as love.
Just ask the Axis.
My red is so confident he flashes trophies of war
And ribbons of euphoria.
Orange is young, full of daring but very unsteady for the first go 'round.
My yellow in this case is no so mellow.
In fact I'm trying to say it's frightened like me.
And all of these emotions of mine keep holding me
From giving my life to a rainbow like you.
But I'm a yeah, I'm bold as love,
Yeah yeah.
Well, I'm bold, bold as love.
Hear me talkin', girl.
I'm bold as love.
Just ask the Axis.
He knows everything. Yeah, yeah.
